Friday, March 27, 2009

"Mommy, why do I have cancer?"

I just realized this is the second week in a row that I have heard that question. And, what do I say when she asks me? "I don't know." More and more I wonder why this is happening to us. What is God trying to tell me? Lots of unanswered questions are in my head right now.

Another thing she said the other day was, "I wish I didn't have cancer." Again, what do I say? I wish she didn't have cancer too.

Today we had a breakdown in the bathroom over her morning meds. She was crying about how she did NOT WANT TO TAKE THE MEDICINE!!! I felt so helpless knowing that we don't have any choice. She has to take the medicine. Without it her body has nothing to fight off infection or germs.

We are supposed to monitor her temperature this weekend. If it goes above 100.4, we have to call the office and see about checking into the hospital. I'm not going to jinx myself by being unprepared, my bag is already packed! I really hope we don't end up having to go in, but at this point I know anything is possible.

I ran across a few Bible verses today which caught my attention. Answers to questions???? Direction from God? I don't know, but they really got me to thinking about things, making me wonder if this is all my fault. I know it isn't entirely my fault, but maybe on some level it could be due to some choices I have made in life. I'm far from perfect. I guess I'll never really know for sure. I just have to let Him lead me and show me in His way. But, that is easier said than done. I'd like my answers NOW, please. I am definitely not the most patient person in the world, although I think motherhood has given me a little more understanding of what patience really is. I still have yet to perfect it. I guess I'll just hurry up and wait. :)

I do want to share one of the verses I read which I think I should try to follow more closely.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

Live at peace with everyone.

Wouldn't that be nice?

11 comments:

Tricia said...

I don't think any parent is prepared to battle cancer with their children of any age. I truly believe you are handling this as best as anyone would.
I pray for you all, always and think you guys daily. I've been MIA aroud bloggerville but will keep the prayers strong.
HUGS

the mol said...

My son doesn't have the words to say that he doesn't want to take his medicine, because he is too young. He just pushes it away. And if we try to force it on him, he pukes violently. Much of the time, he is good about it.

I don't know why our kids have cancer. It sucks. The only thing that I've come up with so far is that we're somehow equipped to handle it and can therefore learn from it and help others. I know that if my son didn't have cancer, a lot of people would have no awareness in general of what it means to have a child with cancer and how much it puts everything else in perspective.

Our son is a joy and a pleasure, and we appreciate him so much more because of it.

Having cancer, or a child with cancer, is like being in a very exclusive club, as Gilda Radner said. Not that you really want to be in it, but you'll start to notice that.

Still sucks though. We're always thinking about you.

Susie said...

Jennifer don't blame yourself for the cancer. I think it is just God's way of preparing us to be stronger. Keep up the faith. I am praying for you all.

Stephycce said...

It's always hard to answer a childs question when you wish you knew the answer. Stay strong!
Stephy

Kathie said...

You're a wonderful mom and Summer is so blessed to have you so don't be hard on yourself. God has a plan! Like you said on a few blogs ago :-)

Good bible verse, too, about keeping peace. I needed that today.

Give Summer hugs and kisses! I wish I could take some of the shots for her.

Stephanie said...

Honestly I can say that no matter what I don't think that any of this is your fault. You did nothing to make her sick or neglect her therefore choices that you might have made unless they directly affected her negatively(which from what I can tell they DID NOT) did not cause this. I don't know why things like this happen or why it happened to Summer but I don't think it's because of you. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers. Sending hugs your way!

Kelli said...

I don't believe for a second that God is punishing you or that it is your fault that she has cancer. God is not a formula, he's a father. We live in an imperfect world and we all have a cross to bear. Sadly, children suffer too. I'll never understand why, but it is what it is. There is no one to blame, including yourself. This is just my belief and I don't want you to think I'm fussing or judging because I'm not at all. I'm praying for Summer, and I'm sorry that you're going through this.

~Ann~ said...

I dont think anyone is every prepared for cancer, especially an innocent little child.

I often see the commericals for St. Jude and just sit there and cry. I just dont understand it all.

You are one brave person and so is that precious little girl of yours.

Continuing to pray for you.

((hugs))

Stephanie said...

It would be inhuman to not blame yourself at some point, but it is not your fault. Sometimes I believe in karma... but cancer in a child? Nah. Nothing you have ever done would justify that. Hang in there, and I will pray that her temp stays down so you guys can stay home this weekend. Great verse!

Bridgett said...

It tears me up inside to know she's in turmoil about the cancer internally.

But honey, YOU CANNOT BLAME YOURSELF.

Nobody knows what causes cancer. Why some people live to be 100 and never have a single cancer cell...why a newborn baby is born with a malignant tumor...or why a beautiful toddler with blonde curls developed a tumor in her kidneys.

So stay strong, but don't place blame. It's redundant and will just make you feel worse.

Hang in there.

XOXO

lmt1073 said...

You are in my prayers. I hope all goes well.